Patience is a Virtue
by FaithinBones
Summary: "When I was a child, my mother told me that patience is a virtue." A story from Brennan's point of view.


Julie SBXmomX made a very interesting comment in a review and it gave me a story idea. Her comment about the Hannah era: Brennan showed the most patience and understanding ever. I believe that to be very good insight into Temperance Brennan.

Okay warning: I really don't do Brennan's voice as well as I would like to so I hope you will bear with me.

As we all know, I don't own Bones.

Oooooooooooooooooooo

I don't keep a diary; but right now I need to ruminate about my relationship with Booth and as I do not wish to share my thoughts with anyone, I will write them here. Perhaps they will help me to confirm the conclusions that I have come to accept about my situation.

I've been afraid of love for a long time. I see the way Booth, Cam and Angela feel about love and I wish that I could feel the same way; but, I can't or I maybe I should say I couldn't. Being in love with someone that you know may be in love with you and yet unable to do anything about it is a terrible experience. I would not wish this on anyone, if I believed in wishes and their use to gain vengeance.

I think I've been in love with Booth for a long time. When we first started working together the chaos that surrounded him drove me to distraction. He isn't a logical person and doesn't necessarily think things through before he acts; but, over the years I have come to realize that his impulsiveness is not a character flaw. He feels deeply the pain of others and he hates the suffering he sees in his line of work. Sometimes he has to act upon it whether it makes sense or not.

After Booth's brain surgery, I knew that some things had changed in him and I feared one of those things was how he cared for me. For months before his surgery, I felt that he was starting to fall in love with me; but, I wasn't certain. I'm not very good at reading emotions in the people in my life; but, I have learned to be able to read Booth. At least I think I can most of the time. Booth keeps his private thoughts private. He can talk about love and marriage and sometimes sex; but, he can only do that in a detached, third person kind of way. Sometimes he has been able to give me advise about what he considers my lack of a love life; but he rarely mentions himself in those talks. When he does he is hopeful about his future and about his wish to be married.

He is very closed off when it comes to himself. Over the years, I have learned about his childhood and the horrors that his father put him through. This affected him in ways he may not be aware of. He hides himself from everyone. Not just casual friends but his family and his close friends.

This is going to sound whimsical but I think it describes best what I mean about my partner and best friend. There is a wall that Booth has erected inside of him that he uses to protect himself with. He is a very brave man, a warrior by any definition that you care to use and yet he's filled with fears too. His mother ran away from her family when he was young which made his situation at home much worse. He feels that rejection even if he can't voice it. It affects how he reacts to love when he is involved with someone. I hate psychology; but, to better understand the pain my best friend lives with I have read many volumes of psychology and I think Booth fears rejection more than the average person.

After his brain surgery, it had seemed like his feelings for me had intensified. I worried that his love had actually grown for me because of that damned story I wrote while he was in a coma. I wasn't sure if things like that really happened; so, I read about brain surgery and comas to make sure. In the end, I blamed myself for allowing Booth to be put through that. If he didn't really love me before the surgery it doesn't matter now because he did afterward. I came to realize that his feelings of love had intensified over the weeks and months after his surgery; so there was no hope that our friendship would remain the same.

I dreaded the day that he might put his feelings into actual words and that day did come. When he told me outside the Hoover that he wanted us to take a chance, I knew what he wanted and I couldn't give it to him. I didn't think I had the ability to love that he has. When he loves someone he gives himself completely and because of that when he is rejected he blames himself without further thought or examination of the facts behind the rejection. Without hope, he moves on. He did it with Rebecca and with Tessa and I knew that when I told him that I would not be able to return his love that he would blame himself and move on. It is who he is. I was so afraid that he would run from me as fast as he could but in the end he agreed to remain my partner. He told me he would move on and at the time I was so relieved that my friendship and partnership was going to remain intact that I didn't worry about his looking for love elsewhere. I didn't think of the ramifications of his statement.

While I was in Maluku, I had a lot of time to think about my ability to love and the distance I put between Booth and myself. I needed this time away from Booth to sort through my feelings. I don't usually understand how I feel. I know that is an odd thing to say; but, it is the truth. I realized during the Gravedigger trial that I had come to fear that something was going to happen to Booth and I would be unable to save or protect him. I didn't realize that I had these feelings until the trial and the memory of Booth's near death on the ship came back to me in my dreams. I kept dreaming about his death. I saw over and over him drowning on the ship. I watched the abject fear on this face as he drowned before my eyes. He stood there pounding on a glass window begging me to help him and I all I could do was watch him die. After awhile I also started to dream about Hodgins dying and then my own death. I tried not to blame Booth for my dreams but in a way I did.

If I can't admit this to anyone else I can admit to myself that what I fear the most in my life is abandonment by those that profess to love me. My fears are twofold. I loved him and I was afraid to commit to him because I was afraid that he if was killed it would destroy me. My childhood had been destroyed by my parents and brother. I feared what my love for Booth would do to me if he left me whether on purpose or through the actions of others.

I was also afraid that if I allowed myself to love Booth that eventually he would understand that I am not the person he thinks I am and he would fall out of love with me. I knew that when he came to understand who I really am that he would leave me and not only would I lose a lover, I would also lose my partner and my best friend.

That was not a gamble I was willing to make. It wasn't a gamble I could make. That is why I left for the dig. I told everyone that matters to me that the dig was important and it really was; but, it was also the excuse I needed to leave Booth behind. I needed time to sort through my feelings and to think about my future and what I wanted it to look like.

When Caroline called me to tell me about the trouble that Cam was in, I used that as an excuse to go back to Washington D.C. Caroline had told me that Booth was returning and I needed to see if I still felt love for him. What I didn't really count on was his ability to move on so quickly and his finding someone else to love. When he showed me the picture of Hannah Burley, I realized that I had waited too long to talk to him and because of that I had to step back and watch Booth's affair play out.

I know Booth. I have studied Booth and the way he handles his life for years and I know this. His affair with Hannah will not last. It can't. Booth believes in love and marriage. He believes in commitment and giving himself completely in his relationships. The woman he has chosen to move on with is not what he needs.

I have talked to Hannah and I have warned her that she needs to be serious in her relationship with Booth; but, I don't think she has put real thought into her relationship at all. As I have mentioned, I have difficulty reading other people when it comes to emotions and feelings; but, in this case I think I have read the situation accurately. Booth has committed himself to his relationship with Hannah and she hasn't. I worry about what this will do to him in the end.

Booth and I have re-formed our partnership and our friendship; but, he is holding himself in reserve when it comes to our relationship. I think I understand why. I think he is still in love with me. At first I thought he had fallen out of love with me; but, over the weeks and with a few subtle questions, I have come to realize that he does love me but he is hiding behind his wall. That wall is there to protect him and he is using it as any good soldier would. I am the enemy. Even though we are friends, I am the enemy of his heart. He doesn't trust me. His wall is there to keep me out. He is using it to protect him from being hurt further. I'm afraid that his wall is going to fall on him in the end and he will be greatly damaged.

A person can only take so much rejection in their life before it completely destroys them. I know that. I know that I love him and I will do everything I can to protect him. When his wall comes crashing down and it will come crashing down, I plan to be there to pick up the pieces. To use a metaphor, unlike all of the kings horses and all of the kings men, I will put Humpty Dumpty back together again. I understand now that I have that ability and I will use it when the time comes. My mother use to tell me that patience is a virtue. I will be patient. It is something I am very good at doing.

Ooooooooooooooo

So what do you think? Do you think you'd be interested in a follow-up chapter or is this enough? Let me know what you think of it. Thanks.


End file.
